Newspapers, radio chat shows and the blogosphere have been abuzz for the past week or so with heated discussions of the recent “disrupted” adoption of a 7-year-old Russian boy, who was sent back to Moscow by his adopted mother. I confess I’ve been “glued to the screen” reading about what happened and the outpouring of commentary that has followed. It’s like a car wreck; you don’t want to see it but you can’t look away.
Candidly, stories like this make me uncomfortable because they draw attention to the dark underbelly of adoption whether it’s abuse or abandonment, trafficking or travesties of justice. These are not the “and they lived happily ever after” stories that people (particularly prospective adoptive moms, like me) want to hear.
I debated whether or not to blog about this, partially because there’s plenty of press, both fact-based and personal opinion already out there, and also because I feel hesitant to cast my vote on whether I think the Torry Hansen, the adoptive mother in this case, made the “right” or “wrong” decision.
I don’t believe it’s my place to judge Torry. I don’t know what resources were available to her and whether or not she took advantage of those that were. I don’t know the complete reality of her circumstances. I wasn’t in her shoes.
But ultimately what spurred me on to write is that the story I find most compelling isn’t solely Torry’s story at all. It’s a complex intermingling of stories: Artem (aka Justin), her adopted son and other adopted children; Russian orphanages along with foster care institutions the world over; governments – ours and theirs and the agreements arranged and regulations required; the birth moms we rarely hear about; and, adoptive parents – some faced with enormous challenges, like Torry, and many others who are not.
As an adoptive-mom-wanna-be myself, I know what Torry went through in the first place to adopt her child. I know there were many classes she needed to take. I know there were stacks of forms to be completed. I know there was a home study by a licensed social worker. I know that she was required to provide several references. I know that all her forms were notarized and then apostilled; every little piece of paper was verified at least twice. I know there were criminal clearances, child abuse checks and federal fingerprints. I know there was great financial burden. I know she planned and waited and then waited some more for the day when she became a mom. Adopting internationally, particularly from Russia, is not a fly by night process. So, no matter how I feel about what ultimately happened, I can’t imagine that the decision to undo all of this was undertaken lightly.
What truly breaks my heart is the fallout from her actions and the subsequent reaction of the Russian government which resulted in a temporary suspension of U.S. adoptions from Russia. I feel for adoptive parents-to-be who, like Big Papa and me, have poured their hearts, souls, time and money towards creating a family and yet could now find themselves in limbo indefinitely.
I feel, too, for the 740,000 orphans in Russia alone who, like Artem, remain without families. In the end, that’s who this really hurts. Suspending adoptions isn’t a solution. It’s not even an effective Band-Aid. There are countless international adoptions from Russia and elsewhere around the world that have been a resounding success, for the adoptee and their adoptive family. Stories like this sadden me, because it leaves a picture in the public mind that is so far from the truth. It taints and distorts the image of forming a family through adoption.
According to the Department of Social and Human Services, disruptions (both domestic and international) represent 10%-25% of completed adoptions, with the higher rates rising with the age of the child at adoption. Adoption dissolutions (legal rights between adoptive parent and child terminated) are between 1%-10%, with the higher percentages being related to adoptions that have involved special needs children and children from a foster care system. Torry Hansen isn’t the first, and certainly won’t be the last, to have her adoption dissolved even if, admittedly, her story was staggeringly dramatic.
Foster care, both in the U.S. and around the world, is in a woeful state. In Russia, there have been many reports of children being abused in orphanages. Once kids leave their system, they end up on the streets leading a life of crime or prostitution. Russia is hardly alone in claims of abuse. Many countries have been cited for a range of physical, sexual and emotional abuses of children under government care. And the U.S. certainly can’t be the one pointing a finger, with our own foster care system dreadfully broken.
But what is the alternative? People have babies they aren’t equipped to care for. Women drink alcohol or take drugs during their pregnancies resulting in permanently damaged children. Disease, economic failure, wars, natural disasters and genocides plague our planet leaving countless children without parents or a home.
When all is said and done, adoption is anything but smooth and straight-forward. It is an unpredictable journey from day one and, continuing on, for the lifetimes of all those involved. Adopting is not a goal that, once “achieved,” fades into a haze of rainbow colored flowers and ‘forever families.’ Just like families formed any other way, adoptive families are a crazy-quilt mix of wildly successful happy endings, abysmal failures and every permutation in between that you can possibly imagine.
We can vilify Torry Hansen all we want. We can rail against the injustices of Russian orphanages until the cows come home. We can bury prospective adoptive parents under mountains of paperwork and regulations. We can suspend adoptions when abuses (in the country or with adoptive parents) are suspect. In the end, what have we accomplished?
I want to be clear that I’m not trying to make excuses for a woman who put her adopted son on a plane and sent him packing. I’m not looking the other way at the systemic abuses in orphanages and foster care both domestically and globally. I’m not pretending that there aren’t horrific stories of adoptions that go south. I’m not writing any of this off.
But as an adoptive mom-to-be and a writer, what I do want to draw attention to is the fact that no matter how thorough the background checks, no matter how strict the guidelines, there will be always be instances of abuse on all sides – by adoptive parents, by governments and by orphanages. There will always be “matches” of children to parents that seem ‘meant to be’ and others that are, at best, oil and water.
What this story, and stories like it that periodically circulate in the media, should be is a call to action. We need to commit to offering more comprehensive and holistic support to kids who are struggling, whether in birth, foster or adoptive homes. We need to find ways to help birth moms make choices that are in the best interests of their children, whether they find it within themselves to parent this child or place this child in the arms of someone who can. And even knowing sometimes things will go terribly wrong, we’ve got to find our way through the maze and keep moving forward to create ways to sustain those who have room in their hearts and space under their roof for children not born to them. Because no matter what, there will always be children who need someone to love them and a place to call home.
Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
~Voltaire
Thank you Beth, for your sage post. There are so many wrongs here, on all sides, and so much pain contained within the heartbreaking truths. I don’t judge anyone, regardless of my knee jerk reaction. I’ve read too many blogs by parents of truly, truly damaged children to even begin to think I could possibly understand how hard it is. I do wish that Russia be a little less proud and use this as a catalyst to take a long hard look at their problems, rather than placing indignant, empty blame. But Russia is a big mess and may literally be unable to fix their problems. There is no easy answer, and I pray for the boy most of all.
Beth, with your struggles to adopt in Armenia and the local / Armenian couples getting preference waiting for a rare healthy baby. Here is a new program, Surrogacy in Armenia. Many Diaspora Armenians are doing this because of the lack of available babies. Maybe you can look into this? It is worth a shot.
Armenia: Flouting Convention, Childless Couples Opt for Surrogacy
May 5, 2010 – 11:18am, by Marianna Grigoryan
Armenia Family
Surrogacy is reportedly becoming a popular option for well-to-do, childless Armenian couples who desire children. But reconciling the practice with Armenia’s relatively conservative social mores is proving a challenge.
As in all South Caucasus countries, Armenian culture places a heavy emphasis on the need for women to marry and to bear children. In the past, couples who could not have children sometimes asked relatives to bear a child whom they would then adopt. But the practice, though generally accepted, meant that the babies did not carry the DNA of either adoptive parent.
Surrogacy, by contrast, lets that bloodline continue, supporters affirm. “I think this is a chance for people who have a big wish to have their own baby,” commented 48-year-old Yerevan homemaker Siranuysh Mamikonian.
The Ministry of Healthcare’s chief specialist on maternal and pediatric health, Gayane Avagian, affirms that surrogate births are increasing in Armenia. Diaspora couples in particular take interest in such procedures, she added. Representatives of Yerevan hospitals note a similar trend. No accurate statistics have yet been compiled on how many children are born to surrogate mothers, however.
Thirty-five-year-old Lilianna Manukian (not her real name) is one of those mothers. To avoid what she terms “traditional Armenian criticism,” Manukian, who will deliver a boy in May, said that she decided to move into another apartment two months ago and stay clear of relatives and neighbors.
Being pregnant without a husband – Manukian is a widow with two children – can invite widespread condemnation. For that reason, surrogate mothers selected by Healthy Mind, the only organization in Yerevan that matches Armenian and Diaspora couples with prospective birth mothers, often opt to live in relative isolation during their pregnancies. Alternative accommodation is offered as part of a package deal with the parents.
“Of course, it’s difficult, but this is my deliberate choice,” Manukian said. “Since I have my own children already, I look on my body as an incubator that can help develop a baby who has nothing to do with me.”
A surrogate mother’s services cost, on average, $25,000 to $30,000; a fee that includes medical exams and services, a monthly “salary” for the surrogate mother, lodging and transportation fees, food, clothing and an “honorarium” once the baby is born, plus legal services.
Healthy Mind’s publicity statements describe surrogacy as “a bit odd, but a purely legal and praiseworthy way of earning money.” Manukian acknowledged the desire to raise money for her children’s education as motivation for her to take on what she termed the “laudable” job of surrogacy.
Candidate surrogate mothers must be between 18 to 35 years old and undergo two months of psychiatric and medical tests. Women who already have children are preferred; women deemed “hysterical” are rejected. Aside from advertisements, candidates are “found via our friends and acquaintances,” said Healthy Mind’s founder, Dr. Davit Mkhitarian.
To reduce the risk of accidents, surrogate mothers must pledge not to use public transportation during their pregnancy; taxis only are permitted. Sexual activity during the pregnancy is similarly barred. “This is a very delicate and responsible area where every detail should be taken into account,” commented Alexander Sirunian, an associate professor of law at Yerevan State University and one of the few Armenian lawyers handling surrogacy issues.
A 2002 reproductive rights law regulates surrogacy, but detailed contracts between parties are required to avoid future problems, he noted.
Unlike in the West, surrogate mothers do not have the option to meet the client parents; contracts with surrogate mothers provide for the child to be transferred immediately to the client parents upon birth, Sirunian said.
While the practice remains relatively new for Armenia, it has already attracted critics. One such opponent is 35-year-old librarian Narine Manasian who says that seeing how nature takes its course is better than opting for surrogacy. “I think there is no need to do something against God,” Manasian said.
Representatives of the Armenian Apostolic Church did not express an official viewpoint on surrogacy to EurasiaNet.org, but Father Vahram Melikian, a spokesperson for the Mother See of Holy Etchmiadzin, suggested that the practice was immoral.
“Irrespective of the child’s origin, a strong spiritual and emotional bond is established between a mother and her fetus,” he said. With surrogacy, “the woman is just playing the role of a vessel or an incubator. This violates the rights of both the woman and the child.”
The Ministry of Healthcare’s maternal and pediatric health chief specialist, Avagian, sees only benefits to the practice. “If the Diaspora supported the creation of a foundation financing in-vitro fertilization and surrogacy, that would not only encourage the birth rate, but also increase the number of happy families,” Avagian said. “Having a child still remains an unattainable dream for many families, both for physiological and, particularly, financial reasons.”
At 12.65 births per 1,000 people, Armenia’s birth rate ranks second for the South Caucasus after Azerbaijan.
Editor’s note: Marianna Grigoryan is a freelance reporter based in Yerevan. Latest From ArmeniaHeadlinesMultimediaArmenia: Flouting Convention, Childless Couples Opt for Surrogacy Ankara at a Standstill with Armenian Reconciliation Process Azerbaijan, Armenia, Russia Using Faith to Find Karabakh Peace US Should Take Note: A Friend in Need Is a Friend Indeed President Sargsyan Blamed for Obama Avoiding the G-Word All headlines from Armenia »
I’ve heard that surrogacy is on the rise around the world (including the U.S.). This is just our opinion, but with so many hundreds of thousands of kids who need homes, making one more isn’t something we are comfortable with. Adoption isn’t always an easy path (of neither is raising a kid, no matter how they came into the world), but for us, it feels right.