Most days, when I think about becoming a mom I get pretty excited. Then, there are the days when fear takes hold and grabs my brain like a vice.
Sometimes it’s the unknown. Will our kid love and bond with us? What health issues, other than those we’ve already signed on for, might we face? Is he going to thrive, be happy and feel secure?
Fear also stems from my own insecurities. I’m 50. Am I going to be able to take on all that’s needed to raise a child? Will I figure out how to care for him and juggle new responsibilities? Can I maintain my own health and sanity?
Change can be scary as all get out too. Life is pretty darn good at the moment. Big Papa and I have a wonderful relationship. We go wine tasting and take little trips. Right now, there’s no shortage of peace and quiet for writing, and I can spend two hours at the gym if I want to. When two becomes three, how do we hang on to even a smidgen of that?
This is where I land when fear clouds my mind and I let doubt creep in. The irony is that it’s not like I haven’t experienced challenges or adversity in my life. I’ve had plenty. My sister had brain cancer when I was twelve. A few months later, my father had a major stroke, which paralyzed his left side. As for myself, I’ve been unemployed, in debt, have been through four surgeries of my own, and have enough dating horror stories to fill a very long novel.
Even in my darkest hours, I managed to keep my head above water. I’m a trouper. In fact, sometimes I credit life’s trials for making me a stronger, more empathetic and even more interesting person. When I’m feeling fragile, I try to remind myself that I found my way through the past 50 years, and I can tackle parenthood.
Today, in my cycling class, our instructor Don played ‘Life’s a climb’. My muscles burned and sweat poured down my brow as I listened to the lyrics. I thought to myself, yeah that’s it. Life is a climb, and parenthood is just another mountain. Truth is I relish it, the exhilaration I get from pushing myself, trying something new and stretching myself just that much farther. I get one go-round in this life to taste it all, and I want to savor every bite.
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Bibi says
Recently I was at a Korean Spa in LA soaking in a hot tub with a couple of college students. They couldn’t believe it when I said I was nearly 60… even though we were totally naked so it was impossible to hide anything. They asked what my secret was and I said, “Having kids later in life.” I credit my two kids for keeping me young. Not just because of running around with them, but just the laughter. And, of all the things I did, one of the very best was to never stop traveling just because I had kids. We had no soft drinks, no junk food, no cable TV (no TV period) etc. to safe up for a summer trip every year… to the Amazon, the Pantanol, the Okavango, the Nile, the Rockies, etc. It gave us a chance to all be on a more equal footing and created tons of great memories. Now that they are in or graduated from college, it is really paying off… my daughter took ME on a trip this summer… to her company’s (http://www.soelsewhereconsulting.com) blogger’s bootcamp… and then my son organized a ‘stop ‘n sketch’ workcamp trip for the two of us. Read all about it on http://www.flashnomad.com … and don’t change your travel habits just because you have kids.
pamperspakhlava says
Bibi,
Your comment warms my heart…and it also inspires me. To live my life in the richest, fullest way possible and share that with my child. I looked at and love your blog, hardly the stuff of a newbie blogger, so credit to your daughter for teaching you well. The blogger’s bootcamp sounds fantastic (and Concordia looked divine…a nicer version of Treebones resort, yurts in Big Sur, where I spent my 50th birthday).
And, I’ve seen your photographic work before. Spectacular! Thank you for reading my blog and for your insights…both greatly appreciated.