On April 13 2009, I published my first Pampers and Pakhlava post. When I started this blog I was filled with hope and excitement. Having spent the previous year preparing paperwork and compiling our dossier, we were waiting for a referral. The journey of a lifetime stretched out in front of me — the journey to motherhood. Here I am: two years, 166 posts and three trips to Armenia later, still blogging, but no baby.
What souvenirs have I collected from my travels, aside from a hefty stack of official paperwork and quite a few more gray hairs? Well for one, I’ve discovered that Big Papa and I are a resilient duo. Missed flights, crazy locals and Montezuma’s revenge don’t hold a candle to lost referrals, two trips half-way around the world just to register a child we hoped to adopt and then a canceled court date. If ever there were a reason not to sweat the small stuff, it’s two years sweating the big stuff.
Testing a marriage, in the way our marriage has been tested by this experience is not a path I would have willingly chosen. But having walked down it, I find myself feeling closer and more in love with Big Papa than ever. And I am proud as proud can be about our commitment to each other and to seeing through our dream of parenthood.
Over the past two years, I’ve also had the opportunity to explore continents of emotion heretofore uncharted in my life. My heart has scaled Everest-sized peaks of happiness and fallen into Grand Canyon depths of sadness. It is true that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and I can now say that each and every step taken has unearthed opportunity to learn: about myself, relationships with family and friends, and the very essence of my deepest desires and my darkest fears.
It is with absolute gratitude that I say: despite the hardships and loss we’ve experienced, some of the most beautiful mementos from our travels–which I cherish and reflect upon during difficult days–are the heartfelt comments and encouragement I’ve received from writing this blog. Stories from those who have walked in our moccasins, bear hugs across the miles and an outpouring of kindness from readers, many of you whom I’ve never met. No matter the obstacles in our journey, the frustration and heartbreak, I don’t regret heading down this road if only for the fellow travelers I’ve met along the way.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
~Mark Twain
Terry Mandeville says
Still sending good vibes… hang in there…
“All human wisdom is summed up in two words – wait and hope”
-Alexandre Dumas
In 1992 we were referred to Velizar in Bulgaria, we had all of our paperwork in and were waiting, waiting, waiting…. Kids had been coming home in 3 months….
We fixed up his room, we bought clothes and toys, we built a play set…
Then there was the Hague Convention…. and all movement in adoption in Bulgaria STOPPED to see what would happen with that…
Then the Minister of Justice died. Everyone knew the Assistant Minister of Justice was going to take over… BUT IT TOOK THEM 6 #&@$^&&)^ MONTHS TO PUT A PEN IN HIS HAND!!!!!!
So… with this photo of this scared little two year old taped to our fridge…. the wait stretched on and on. People asked when he was coming. He got older. We got older. It was so very hard… we were SO ready.
No one understood… EXCEPT the international adoption community. Others who had gone through the same thing, or were going thru the same thing… they saved my sanity. We ranted and raved together, we cried together… and we finally rejoiced together.
FINALLY in 1993, after more than 13 months of staring at his photo every day … FINALLY, we got the call. Come get him. Sure, I thought. What else is going to go wrong now??? But nothing else did. We got him, and brought him home 3 months before his 4th birthday. And the rest is history.
pamperspakhlava says
Terry,
There is no end to the stories that just leave me with my mouth hanging open. Thank goodness yours had a happy ending!
CountryMidwife says
I have such a deep and utter faith that everything happens for a reason. And even when – especially when – it’s hard. You have already found some good in this mess, growing closer with Big Poppa. Realizing how very, very strong you both are. Your child will come. I continue to pray it’s soon, dammit! hugs–
Teresa says
It is best to take our experiences and spin them into all positives – turning lemons into lemonade. You are a great cook and understand this concept of cooking up positive useful experiences.
I too agree about everything unfolds as they do for a reason. There is many other chapters to your story left to write.
Denise says
You are a much bigger person than I am to be able to write such a nice, mature, positive and thoughtful post. 😉 Hoping and praying that your child comes to you sooner (!!) rather than later. Hang in there. Thinking of you.