The other day, while thinking about my deal breakers for living abroad, I thought about some of my sillier deal breakers in relationships: one guy ate sushi with his hands, another didn’t put up a Christmas tree, and another guy’s name irked me so I referred to him as Mr. Baseball whenever I talked about him to friends. Deal breakers are in every relationship, including the relationships we have with where we live – some serious and some seriously funny – and this got me thinking about Jerry Seinfeld, the King of Deal Breakers, in his same-named comedy. In one episode he broke up with a woman for eating peas one at a time, another for having man hands. One woman’s deal breaker was not that his parents didn’t like her but that they did. Another woman because she had a terrible laugh – though I can’t say I blame him for that one. We all have deal breakers; so I wondered, what if Jerry Seinfeld lived abroad? What would his deal breakers overseas be?
Here’s what I came up with:
If Jerry lived in Italy, he would visit a village on the day of their annual grape stomping and see bare feet stomping the grapes to make wine. He would be disgusted and contemplate ever drinking wine again. “No one wants feet where they’re drinking. No feet!”
If Jerry lived in France, he would date a very smart, hot French girl that seemed perfect. When his friends asked about her he’d admit that her public displays of affection were starting to make him uncomfortable. “What’s with all the lovey dovey? We don’t need so much lovey dovey. Stop with the lovey dovey.” She would begin dating Kramer next season.
If Jerry lived in Germany, he would be shocked when during an evening out with a respectable nightclub owner, the owner raised his hand to the sky and shouted, “Hail.” Jerry would cause a scene only to realize that the owner was, in fact, talking about the freezing rain falling from the sky.
If Jerry lived in Japan, one night, while craving a sushi roll he would find the only open restaurant and order a roll but he would notice that the sushi chef wasn’t wearing gloves. When Jerry asked him to put some on, the sushi chef, insulted – believing Jerry is accusing him of having dirty hands – would yell at Jerry to leave the restaurant and never return. “No sushi for you!”
If Jerry lived in Cuba, he would grow so weary of cigar smoke that one day he would rudely swat away the smoke blown into his face by the man next to him and snarl, “Do you mind?” After a bystander informs Jerry that he just insulted “el jefe”, Jerry thinks he’s being followed by Castro’s men.
If Jerry lived in Transylvania, he would develop a man crush on a guy he met at the gym. He would be excited about plans they made but when they met up for drinks, the man would show up in vampire attire. “Who dresses like Dracula?” He’d ask Elaine. She’d respond, “Someone from Transylvania.”
If Jerry lived in Russia, he would be self-conscious ordering a Black Russian from the Russian bartender who happened to be black that he would leave the bar with no Russian at all.
If Jerry lived in the Dominican Republic, he would slowly be driven mad by their need to shorten words. “Por fa… really? Por favor is too long? It’s to much work to pronounce that last syllable?”
And finally, if Jerry lived in India, he would walk into a store where the clerk would refer to him as the new man in town. Jerry would actually like his new nickname until one day when he walked in and was just referred to as new man. He’d clench his fist to the sky and grumble, “Newman!”
Photo Credits: Seinfeld – Mikael Grape Stomping – Travel Salem Seinfeld with Kramer – Alan Light Sushi – Zoe Shuttleworth Seinfeld Star Wars – Tony Werman