Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.
”Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.’Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘
When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.
”Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?
”It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
~Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit
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On March 22, 2012, I stood before a judge, with Big Papa by my side, in Gyumri, Armenia as we agreed to care for an 11-month-old baby for the rest of our lives. Once the papers were signed, I announced to the world: I’m a Mom!
Legally, I was. But many months passed before I felt I could say: I’m a real mom.
References to real moms can be the source of great angst for many adoptive parents, when faced with (generally well-meaning) family or friends who ask: Do you know anything about her real mom?
We are fortunate that we have some information about Baby Bird’s birth family and know the reason why she was placed for adoption. This is not true for many adoptees, particularly those who were adopted from countries outside the U.S. Our daughter will grow up knowing names of her birth parents and where they were from, and we will do our best to explain to her the circumstances which resulted in her birth family being unable raise her.
I will never forget how I felt when Big Papa and I tucked ourselves into the taxi with Baby Bird and headed south, from Gyumri to Yerevan: Oh-my-God-we-are-parents …and we are clueless. And I remember our deer-in-the-headlights fear when Baby Bird screamed at the top of her lungs while we changed our first diaper, and when we gave her a bath for the first time.
I’m sure many first-time parents experience these feelings and wonder: How are we going to do this? Am I going to be able to keep this baby alive?
We had many more unanswered questions: Will our child bond with us? Will we bond with her? What challenges might we encounter that resulted from our child being institutionalized? Did our child spend the first months of her life faced with neglect, abuse, poor nutrition? Did her birth-mother smoke, drink, do drugs? How will we form our new family and honor our child’s culture while creating new traditions to share?
Now, a year later, we have a few answers to some of our questions and—no surprise here—we now have many new unanswered questions. Ah, parenthood.
I’ll be honest, our first year together has not been easy (not that anyone’s first year of parenthood ever is), but as Big Papa said to me: We are doing it. However imperfectly we muddle along, we are doing it.
So when someone asks me: Do you know anything about her real mom, I will say: Yes, I do. I see her every morning when I look in the mirror.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there
—no matter how you got there.
Take the road less traveled,
Beth
CountryMidwife says
“I know that you don’t believe that you’re doing your best, that you think you can do better. I know you are doing better than you think”.
Love you all…
CountryMidwife says
PS that’s a quote from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lea-grover/dear-less-than-perfect-mom_b_3184445.html
I did not know I was the only one to feel so! But it turns out we ALL do! Ah, humility is hard earned….
Angie Hilbert says
Happy Mother’s Day, Beth!
Beth Shepherd says
Yes, I linked to her article, MB 🙂
CountryMidwife says
Duh!
Sherri Simon says
Honey, you are as “real” as it gets, and I love you for that!
Armine says
How does a Jew in her 50’s become the adoptive mother of a healthy Armenian baby? Oh that is right you had Robin negotiate $$$ the referral. In poor ex soviet countries money goes far. There are plenty of Armenian families standing in line that could give our children their culture, their surname, love, family, history.
Poor child will never see her motherland again.
You give love and that is it. Make sure robin told you the truth about everything. Incidentally why is her ex buddy Jeanne Sobie now working at the place that let Robin go? Carolina Adoption Services.
Beth Shepherd says
Per Hague Convention (and Armenian) regulations, every Armenian orphan has 3 months to be adopted in-country by an Armenian family_before_they can be adopted internationally (which, by the way, means not just by U.S. families).
I will also tell you that fees for services provided are only a portion of the adoption process (for_any_adoption, domestic or international). Under Hague Convention regulations (of which Armenia is party to), to even be able to wait in line for a referral families must provide: background checks, FBI fingerprints, local police clearances, child abuse clearances from every state they’ve lived, three references and many other documents in a dossier as thick as a telephone book.
We waited for a referral, just like everyone else; however, unlike many families we lost two referrals before we attended court. This tells me the system in Armenia is working fairly–on behalf of the children and Armenians…any proven birth mother (or birth father) may take custody of their child up to the day of court proceedings.
As far as age goes, I was not in my 50s when we started our adoption process. That said, each country sets guidelines for prospective adoptive parents: some countries only allow married families whereas others allow single individuals; some countries set upper age limits at 35 or 45, whereas others have no upper age limit; most Muslim countries specify that prospective adoptive parents also be of Muslim faith; some countries require a certain number of years that prospective adoptive parents must be married before adopting; and, so forth. My husband and I met all the qualifications to be able to adopt an Armenian child.
As you say we “give love,” and that we do. As far as “that is it,” I encourage you to adopt yourself, Armine, and see how much adoptive parents give. A year into parenting, I wish I could say love was enough, but the fact is MUCH more is needed for any child adopted from an institutional setting: medical care, time, resources…the list is endless. Being an adoptive parent is challenging, but we are doing everything we can to raise a healthy child, one who I promise , WILL see her motherland again.
Lisa says
Obviously Armine was baiting you to argue a mute point. Age, religion, and finances do not “buy” a child in this day and age. If she had any idea of what it takes to adopt, she would know that. It’s pathetic that she cannot share in the joy that Motherhood brings, and instead, decided to cast a shadow over your first Mother’s Day. Your response was exceptional, just like you. Baby Bird could not have asked for better parents.