Counting the days before Christmas feels like fun as a kid. Ticktock. Ticktock. Watching time ebb away. Ten days left. Now eight. Now three. Giddy anticipation builds and you imagine the mountain of glorious goodies that await your discovery.
When THE day arrives and your eyes catch that first glimpse of boxes, wrapping paper and bows, the clock chimes. Bong. Bong. Bong! I remember well that, at that point, any further delays feel like eternity. My patience is threadbare and my ability to stave off desire has altogether disappeared. I want it all and I want it now.
The adoption waiting process feels like Christmas morning. You complete truck loads of paperwork. Every minute detail of your relationship, finances, home and value system is analyzed and recorded on some piece of paper. You pay fee after fee to the government, agencies, or lawyers. And then you wait. You have control over information up to this point and then, suddenly, you have virtually none. And the thing is, by the time you start this waiting game, you’re pretty much done with waiting.
When I engage in conversation about adoption, I almost invariably face the question, “Why did you wait to get married?” Or “Why did you wait to have kids.” I didn’t wait by choice. I didn’t consciously postpone taking part in these life passages because I wanted to.
Over the years, I was certainly no stranger to dating and I’d had a few longer relationships, but nothing that led to, “Will you marry me?” When I finally did find “the one,” I was 46. By the time we said our “I do’s,” I was 48. It was the first trip down the aisle for us both. We talked about children and our options for creating a family early on in our relationship, and had several lively debates about the direction this path might take along the way. My own biological clock had wound down at the young age of 46. Using donor eggs was a contender in our quest to become three, as was adoption. We chose adoption.
Here we are, nearly ten months past that initial decision. We are “paper ready” as they say in the world of adoption. Our pile of paperwork has been collected, notarized, apostilled, and government (ours) approved. Now we call it a dossier, and it sits in Armenia, in the process of being translated into Eastern Armenian. Then (hopefully quite soon), it will sit on the desk of the Armenian Prime Minister, the first signature of approval we need to move forward and receive our referral.
Waiting feels interminable. I really don’t want to wait any longer. I’m ready to be a mom now. Past ready. So every delay, every month that passes, every redo or stall in the process is pure agony. I have moments when I am able to be more Zen about it than others. And, I have just as many moments when I feel like a bronco ready to buck from his pen, just before the barrel race.
Armen says
My wife and I are both Armenian and are adopting, we have been waiting for over a year. Curious did the agency or ministry address the fact you have been married for under 5 years?
It might have been our home study agency but they questioned us on the fact we were married only 4 years. But we justified it because of the wait time, I am sure we will be married closer to 6 years when our adoption becomes finalized.
Wish we could have started 3 years ago before Hague become formalized, it would have been easier adopting independently from the the parent.
We have noticed that the foster care in Armenia is expanding and adoption to other countries is increasing, while America lags behind. The last time we were in Armenia, I sensed an attitude toward the Americans, even the Armenian-Americans.
We had one older man tell us that you are only Armenian if you are born in Armenia. Even in my Eastern dialogue of Armenian he was convinced we were just part of the diaspora of genocide survivors from Eastern Turkey. The attitudes change with the younger more educated population. I senses an urgency to rid the country of the special needs or older children but not real keen on the infants. But we are open to corrective needs. Boy or Girl but we prefer a Boy because of lineage. There is a drive to hold onto the boys becuase of mandatory military.
Good luck and hang tough
The Atamians
pamperspakhlava says
Hello Atamians! Thank you for reading my blog and also writing! I didn’t hear anything from ministry regarding our length of marriage, though it was certainly a factor for us in international adoption. Many (most?) countries do have a marriage requirement at the time of application/submission of dossier. We will have been married three years this summer and a couple for five years.
I do think there are “trends” both on the U.S. side and the country side in terms of adoption. For example the numbers of kids from China and Russia have dropped tremendously, whereas Ethiopia has increased. I’ve heard that rates for French and Italian adoptions of Armenian kids was high though recent changes in France have slowed this down considerably.
We were in Armenia this past September and if there was prejudice towards Americans we might not have been as aware as you, since we don’t speak Armenian. That said, we felt welcomed and everyone we met (in restaurants etc.) was very nice to us.
It is fascinating to me which kids are available for adoption. More girls in China, for example, because of the one-child policy, but I have heard that some countries – like Vietnam – hold on to girls and so there are more boys available. I’m not surprised about special needs kids being available everywhere because the sad truth is that most countries (and families) don’t have the resources to support them and medical (and other) systems are not in place or as comprehensive.
Best of luck to you as well! It is true that things have slowed down considerably since Hague (though I feel Hague is a “good thing” and it influenced our choice – to pick a Hague country) and that is frustrating even if the end result is (hopefully) better for the kids.