I wrote a piece for another website about a month ago that really struck a chord with some people. Many of the comments were ones of disagreement and some resorted to name calling where basically (or pretty straightforwardly – I don’t remember which) I was called a dummy. The funny thing was that it wasn’t a post intended to be controversial, it was actually a piece intended to highlight the choice that every expat makes: to stay abroad or to go home. Moreso, it was a post intended to be about understanding and accepting all the choices, not just the adventure one. See, while I would say that life abroad has been an amazing and fulfilling experience and a lifestyle choice that, at least for now, we are sticking to, quite a number of others that I’ve met here, don’t feel the same way.
In every single year of the four years we have lived abroad, at least one (or more) person decides to “run” or desperately waits for the end of their contract knowing that they are not returning – not to Santo Domingo, not to expat life, not to anywhere but home. It is true that these people are not the majority, most people stay longer than their contract, but these people still get to make their choice too, minority or not, without the condescending judgements of others that disagree. Shouldn’t someone write their side and give them the proverbial green light that some of them are looking for to make a hard decision a little easier?
I didn’t expect the uproar but the uproar got me thinking; people have very big opinions that are vastly different about going home. So I started to ask around: what are your thoughts about moving back home?
Where I was looking for simple answers, I found more complex ones (aren’t they always) because apparently it isn’t just about the should I stay or should I go; it is also about the reasons behind the staying or going. It’s about the why, the pros and cons, the obligations versus wants. So here’s what I gathered:
The Thoughts
The Never Never Landers (or people never going back)
“After 38 years, of living abroad, my mother-in-law isn’t sure she wants to go back to the States. In fact, she was offered a job in Arizona but might not accept it and travel around for a year looking for something new.”
“Why would I do that?!”
“Never unless circumstances forced me to move back.”
The Maybe Babies
“I feel guilty about not being home but I know my life is so much better here.”
“I think I’d be much less sentimental about going back home if I didn’t have children.”
The When Does the Plane Leavers
“I came looking for adventure and something new in my life. The adventure was nice and I met some amazing people that will be lifelong friends but living abroad is not for me.”
“I look back on my two years with wonderful memories and feel very fortunate that I was able to experience all that I did but for me it was a matter of wanting to go back to be close to my family again.”
I just couldn’t get used to it. The language, the volume, the differences. It was too much for me.”
“I had always been 100% family and wanted to venture out and take care of me for a while. I wanted to find who I really was. But who I was was always back home.”
The Why? (The reasons behind the curtain…)
“Travel will always be a bug for me but that is the one or two week kind where the plane is always round trip back to home and back to family.” (not to stay)
If I had been younger I probably would have stayed longer.” (undecided)
“Especially now that I have a family, it is too much of a gift to my kids to live abroad to give up. We get to experience this adventure as a family. They get to learn and see so much and when we go to the next new place, it is just more for them to learn and see. It makes us closer to experience this together and I love that.” (stay)
“In many ways I have actually become closer to some family and friends back home. When your time together is so short you seem to savor it more. No time for petty arguments or annoyance – just good quality time.” (stay)
“There is a constant struggle between family obligations and personal wants.” (undecided)
“It makes it harder with kids to live in two worlds. I love the rich life abroad we are giving them but it is also hard to have my daughter ask if we are going to see Grandma today, if we could go to her cousins’ house and tell her No. It breaks her little heart every time. And mine too.” (undecided)
“I miss them [my family] all dearly and am counting down the days until my plane lands home for the final time to move back where I belong.” (not to stay)
“I have never been someone you would describe as ‘patriotic’ but I tell you, there is nothing to make you love your country like leaving it! All the things that used to drive me crazy about the US I have now come to love and miss since I only get them in small doses.” (stay)
“I do not want to miss out on a moment of my son’s life; nieces, nephews, parents, siblings – we are very close and my place is with them – cheering the younger ones on at sporting events, celebrating holidays & birthdays, even grateful for just the simple pleasure of being in their company.” (not to stay)
“I LOVE teaching…teaching in US public schools given the current political climate…not so much! I have a fabulous work situation. I could never give up the autonomy, resources, and school climate that I have started to take for granted here!” (stay)
“Financially, living abroad makes more sense right now than going back. I couldn’t save anything in the U.S. between rent and car payments, etc. But in many places I’ve lived [abroad], my benefits include housing and a utilities stipend which means lots of pocket money.” (stay)
“Finding employment was somewhat difficult having been away for 2 years but with a few phone calls and emails I had a job in a few months.” (undecided)
“I was flying back more than just for Christmas and the summer. And flights aren’t cheap.” (not to stay)
“I am lucky enough to be able to travel to the US every summer. So just when this place starts to drive me crazy, I get to leave! And just when the US starts to drive me crazy….it is time to come ‘home’!” (stay)
“I have been abroad for so long that I don’t have a community back in the States.” (stay)
I had been feeling like i was losing connection with friends. Being from a small community those connections meant a lot. When I returned home I found that those connections were easily rebuilt.” (not to stay)
“I’d be joining ranks with other ‘Triangles’. I’m no longer someone from ‘home’ and, now, no longer an expat. I’m hanging somewhere in the middle.” (undecided)
“I’ve met really great people abroad but none that know me like the ones back home.” (not to stay)
To stay or not to stay… it isn’t as simple a question as my “haters” 😉 (heehee – haters) would like to admit. Some of us find our place here and some of us feel lost. Some of us find comfort in this new home while others yearn for the comfort of their old home. At the end of the day, though, the beauty in all of this is that we each get to choose, for ourselves, our own answers to this question.
(runner – *a person who doesn’t complete their 2-year contract)
Photo Credits:
Stay or Go – Jose Manuel Rios Valiente
Community – Gareth Williams (adapted by Expat Village)
Adventure – Frontier Official (adapted by Expat Village)
Gratitude – John Hain (adapted by Expat Village)
Money – Phillip Brewer (adapted by Expat Village)