The flood of comments from my Q&A with the New York Times’ Frugal Traveler last week has been enlightening. There have been some really great tips from experienced travelers that added to the brief article. And then there were some comments that I felt needed addressing.
In the article, I was asked (by Matt Gross) if there were ever times when I wished I was a man in a given travel situation. My response (but missing the gasp in my voice when I answered) was, “Oh, wow, I’ve never wished that. No offense! That’s never crossed my mind. I’ve never felt ill-treated or – I’ve never had that feeling before. No. Just flat-out no.”
Photo: The Greek Goddess Athena
Several people commented that they didn’t believe me. Really. They were calling me a liar. So, I thought it might be helpful to explain my perspective on this.
I stand by my answer. Never once in my life have I wished I was a guy. It’s actually taken me aback that there are people who WOULD wish that they are something they are not.
My Mother (RIP) raised me to believe that I could accomplish anything I set out to do. Sparing you the details, I did not grow up in a privileged household. But somehow, despite the disadvantages, she told me over and over what I could do – and not what I couldn’t do.
So, I channeled my energies into travel. I drove across country several times from New Jersey to the West Coast (even to Alaska, twice). I backpacked through Asia for a year. I rode my motorcycle (solo) from Seattle to Panama. And while I’ve had my challenges, never once did I think things would be easier/better/more interesting if I was a man. I simply thought that this was the way things were, and I fully enjoyed them.
Have I been stared at? Been on the receiving end of catcalls? Fondled? Had men expose themselves to me? Ignored in foreign restaurants? Yes!
Do I see this as being ill-treated? No!
My response to situations, whether travel-related or not, directly relates to how I will see the world and also how I will continue to be treated. I could be pissed off that a waiter at an Indian restaurant chooses to only speak to my husband when we are traveling together or I could remember that I’m a guest in his country, try to understand where he’s coming from and then make a decision that I won’t visit that restaurant again.
Look. I wish I had smaller boobs (I know, rough life) and straight pearly whites, but I don’t. And wishing that I was something that I’m not (and never will be) is fruitless. Life is what you make of it. You can choose to be bitter about it or accept how it unfolds and make the best of it, penis or not.
Travel Well,
Beth
Photo: Paleothea.com
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eileen says
And while there are risks associated with being a woman alone on the road, there also endless smiles from kids you don’t know, a fellowship of women that will guard the door for you (assuming there is one) when you pee, and otherwise protect you when you’re out there. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, either. And I really liked that piece in the NYT!
Tracy says
Traveling for me is very empowering one as a woman and two as an African American woman. It’s a certain sense of
accomplishment I get from my travels. I’ve experienced the cat calls
and the stares, etc., and not once did I say “If I was a man…” I
just ignored kept on keeping on. When I get the comments or crazy questions they are usually welcomed, because then I can give them the reality of being black and a woman which will help reshape the
the thoughts from watching tv and listening to the news. You can
see the light bulb go off sometimes. Pure satisfaction for me and
on top I have gained friends that never thought they would befriend a woman of color before.
Gaelyn says
Great response.
Yes, maybe as a very young person I wished to be male. But not in many decades. Traveling solo as a woman has opened doors to meet people along the way that if I were a more unapproachable man might not have happened. Also traveling with an (X) husband ment meeting less people. I get a little lift when people are surprised I’m out there alone. Hey, I’m good company. Maybe I’ve been lucky so far, also not left the continent, but I’ve never had a BAD experience so far. I’m very happy with who I am. Good for you to stand up for yourself.
Beth says
@Eva – Thanks for weighing in on this. I appreciate the dialogue.
Being fondled, having men expose themselves to me – not great experiences. And, in the strict sense of the word, according to Merriam Webster, I suppose I have been “treated improperly”. But I don’t walk away letting these experiences jade my memories or leave me with a poor-me-I-been-done-wrong sense of ill-treatment.
If I did, I could give you a list of ways I’ve been ill-treated in my own neighborhood – the brats who throw their garbage in my yard, the person who broke into my Jeep and stole my iPod, the person who attempted to steal my motorcycle out of my garage…
No offense to those who have wished that they were born otherwise, even for a minute – whether it has to do with sex, race, looks or some other change – and I acknowledge that not everyone is bitter :-). It was just a surprise because it never occurred to me.
Eva says
Beth, do you really not see being fondled as being ill-treated? Personally, I see it as not only immensely disrespectful but also criminal. (Sadly, not every government in the world agrees with me on this.)
I understand your frustration at not being taken at your word on your answer (though, frankly, I’m surprised by it! I believe you, though. :P) but I think this response comes across a little hard on those of us who might answer differently. It’s not such a crazy thought process to go through. I probably have vague thoughts about how much easier travel would be if I were a man roughly once a week, but I don’t think that makes me weak or bitter.
Lee says
One response might be “No, I never wished I was a man, but there were times that I wished I had been given the same respect as one.”
Donna Hull says
Beth, great response to the article. I especially appreciate your positive approach, “life is what you make of it,” attitude. Male or female, who hasn’t had something bad or unfair happen to them? As the words of the old song go, “pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again.” For all the unpleasantness that has happened to me because I am a woman, there are hundreds more kind, respectful, fun experiences that being female has brought my way.
Rachel says
I’m with you most of the way on this one. In 99% of my adventures around the world, I’d have to say I wouldn’t have traded being a woman. And yes, I’ve been fondled, groped, catcalled, stalked you name it!
But, there is this little part of me that would like to be a man to have more freedom to explore some of those strict Islamic countries. I want to go into the inner chambers of a mosque, I want to not be required to have a male escort. I want to be back in Eastern China and be invited into a monks cell to have tea and conversation.
I really like what Lee said, it’s true. 99% of the time, I relish being a woman. But there is that teeny tiny part of me that wishes I could do the things that custom prevents me from doing as a woman.
Meg Noble Peterson says
Hi, Beth…what a wonderful answer. I couldn’t agree more, after decades of solo travel. The only time I ever envied men or boys was when hiking in the woods and having to pee. It just would have been more convenient for males. As for harassment, I’d say we have to lighten up a bit. As I said over and over in my book, Madam, Have You Ever Really Been Happy?, the title of which was taken directly from the “line” of Indian men, laughing at their feeble attempts does a lot more than righteous indignation and fury. But, as someone else mentioned, this all happens right here in the U.S. Men expose themselves, which only causes them to look foolish. Laugh at the catcalls (which are fast receding), but also make sure you’re not in a position (like in a jeep barreling over a pass in the Karakoram Mountains as I was last spring) to be pushed in a corner and fondled. If this happens, a good line is, “If you touch me once more my boy friend will kill you when we get to Srinagar.” It works and to tell you the truth, there is great satisfaction in standing up for yourself. And don’t forget that most of the time, especially in Asia, women are respected and, if older, positively revered. I find that wonderful. Meg
Josie says
Beth: I found Wanderlust via the NY Times article. Sorry you felt you had to defend your answer. You are right – make the most of what you have & who you are. Josie
Tracy says
Josie your comment makes a wonderful and mutually felt
closing on this matter. Let’s move on. Can’t wait
for your next blog Beth.
Tracy
Beth says
So right, Kim! I’ve been wondering if people would dare to ask Oprah (not that I’m in her league) if she ever wished she were white or a man.
Kim@Galavanting says
I wonder if the NYT commenters (likely men) would have believed a man who said he never wished he were a woman.